Validation of my existence

I feel like absolute emotional garbage. I knew KNEW this was coming, I felt it a week ago, creeping up on me like sometimes Icon does before she bites me. Watching me for just the right moment to drag everything right back down into the dust as if to say "You thought you could feel like a normal human being for more than a few weeks? Yeah, right." I say this as I drink some sleepy time tea that will hopefully make me sleep without having a nightmare (why, why WHY the nightmares all the time?) I don't watch scary movies anymore because I am so prone to these damn things. I haven't had caffeine in a while. I don't think about dying before I go to bed. In fact, I try not to think at all, unless it is to bore myself to death fingering every scale I know. ( I usually fall asleep when I hit modes)

I simultaneously want to run away, and stay here. I want to find a meaningless job that requires almost no thought process (at least at Well's I didn't have to take it home in the morning. Funny how incredibly far away that part of my life seems) but I also love my job and know I probably couldn't do anything else. I want there to be sunshine and walks and spending time with friends and horses but... there is a forecast for snow. Saturday I slept for 13 hours. Thirteen. I know there is a problem when I sleep that much, and still feel tired. I have so many things I want to do, that at this point in time, even attempting them seems futile. Why start them? Why bother?

That being said, I love my fur children. All of them, even the stupid one. I love how they sleep nearly on top of me in bed, or in Kosty's case, noses his way under the covers. Coming home is a never ending "mom! Mom! MOM! feed me! Pet me! Walk me! Play with me! Can I sit in your lap?!" and they don't care if I'm crabby, or don't feel like talking, or want to sleep all day. They just want to be right there, cold noses in my face. Pets are wonderful. (when they aren't chewing shit up, eating garbage, cleaning the litter box, clawing up your leg...)