No, Really. I'm not.

I was told to be in bed by 10. I will go to bed soon. I promise.

I had the first visit for that study. They answered all my questions, and I should be fine. About the only side effect that I will probably have is being tired. They said it is also prescribed as a sleep aid, so they said I would need to take it at night. I could do with some better sleep. The Dr. asked me all kind of questions that made me feel crappy. Some of them made me want to laugh, the ones about whether I think I have magical powers and stuff. I know it's not funny in the sense that some people have that problem, but I imagined myself in a sweet cape and shooting lighting bolts at people and it made me want to laugh. I am not psychotic. I know I am a mess. I am moody and clingy and all sorts of other things. I don't want to be that way all the time. I try not to, but sometimes when I am in whatever mood I am in, I don't realize how bad it is until I'm in a different mood. He asked me how frequently they change, and what other people would say and how the boy would describe me. I said moody and that I can be hyper one minute and really depressed the next. My moods change at the drop of a hat. That is one thing I hate about driving the bus- I can spend so much time in my head. I don't like being in my head all the time. Yeah, sometimes I day dream about great things, things I want to do, but usually I sit and worry. I literally have had conversations with myself where I tell myself to shut the hell up. (No, that does not make me psychotic.) It is like the conversation I had with myself before my senior recital or my AF audition. Where I am being negative and then I decide that being negative is a load of shit and I need to knock it off right now if I ever intend on going anywhere with the trumpet. I can be so hyper at the beginning of a shift and by the end, you better stay away from me or I will rip your head off. I couldn't describe how it happens if I wanted to, other than I just sit and think about something that could be as dumb as the boy joking with me and me taking it too far in my head even when I know he was kidding.

Last night Ophelia was locked in her kennel. She didn't like it but she was quiet, and I might have to do it again tonight. I leave for home tomorrow morning. I need to get the oil changed in my car before I go. I am kind of excited. I don't get to go home much. My parents are all happy, and it is actually supposed to be kind of nice this weekend so maybe I can get my sister to go for a walk to borrow the neighbors horses like we did when we were kids and walk Masher. Or maybe it will just be nice to get out of this crappy apt. where It also has to live.